Come What May

Every once in a while, we are confronted by things that lead us to several choices, of what we ought to do and what we must not do. Today, we have heard so much about problems. And I suppose, what would matter most is not how much time we have spent for this but what we have learned. This gives us the challenge to be more than willing to apply everything not just for the sake of the medical arena but in the service of humanity as well. For all of these would be non-sense if what we have heard or what we have seen would only be placed in the trash bins of our life. What would matter most is the meaning of everything.
There is this simple story by Paulo Coelho that dares to emphasize the meaning of everything we do. The story goes by showing a young man in search of a treasure. He travelled in different places and met different people. But in the end, he realized that the treasure he was keen to seek is just under the very place where he stays during his childhood.
I guess, the treasure that the author is referring here is not mere possessions that are exhaustible but the inner treasure that a man might find even in the dregs of his own heart. This is the treasure of meaning. But we cannot realize this type of treasure unless we try to go to places and meet people. In our local terms, those people are supposed to be our friends. We try to find the meaning of ourselves, as part of our profession, through these people by giving them the service we ought to give them. For once, we are not learning so much stuffs just to pre-occupy our neurons and keep them working. We do this for a greater purpose. And hence, by doing so, we find the meaning of our very self being students.

Weird Thoughts of an Ex-seminarian

Can I trust you with something? This is not actually a top secret. Nevertheless, I don’t tell it just to anyone else. But since you are my classmates and I love you, I will. Well, this is actually a rendition of the weird thoughts of me being an ex-seminarian so I don’t expect everyone to understand what I am talking about.
My first dilemma when I went out of the seminary is the fact that I have to answer the question, “Why did you go out of the seminary?” not just for one time but I guess, for every now and then. And it’s quite irritating that it is as if I owe everyone an explanation and I need to answer each and every sub-question thereof like “do you have a girlfriend?” or “do you plan to go back?” Hello! What I wanted to say then is it is none of your business anymore. But to be more kind and patient, I’ll just control my temper, wipe off the sweat on my forehead (because it’s as if I’m on a hot seat), and answer with a big smile on my face. Anyways, their final comment that “you are too good looking just to be a priest” is quite rewarding. If they say the latter with all honesty or it is just to appease the time they have consumed, I really don’t know. But if they tell the truth, it is an assurance on my behalf that if in any case that I will decide not to go back in the seminary anymore, at least, it would not be hard for me to court someone else. And in the end, if my would-be wife will be beautiful, then my children will surely be beautiful.
But do you know what I miss most in my former life in the seminary? It is not the daily eggs you get for breakfast in the refectory (because if you are in the seminary, you’ll probably have boiled eggs on Monday, a sunny side up on Tuesday, a scrambled one on Wednesday, torta on Thursdays, omelet on Fridays, salty eggs on Saturdays and “itlog ng pugo” for Sundays). I am also not referring to the way I have to pull myself out of my own bed every 5:30 in the morning for me not to be late for morning prayers. Neither do I refer to my brother classmates who seem to know every crazy way to make me laugh… and cry.
You know what I can’t get over to until now? It is the simple feeling of contentment, something that gives you a serenity that you are on your way to what your heart desires. How deep? But you know, despite this longing that seems to be an assurance that I’m really for the clerical life, I’m still proud that I decided to go out of the seminary. At least, I have given myself a chance to realize the most important thing that I should look forward to in my seminary life, it is the unwavering desire to search for what my heart really wanted.

Plaridelians!!! Baguio trip!

Baguio Botanical Garden with my highschool friends and some natives... hahaha...

A typical igorot house...

Session Road at Night

Camp John Hay!

I just have to be afraid!

No... I know I have to be afraid... I have to be afraid to fail... I have to be afraid to cause an outrage now that I hold things in my hand... I know I'm the most stupid person by not standing on my self-built principles... I know I am dumb to accept things I wanted to get over before... I am an idiot to accept responsibilities once more knowing that they are the source of my thousand deliriums... I got to stand upright but then I know I'll easily fall this time if I'll not be careful... And so, I have to be afraid...

My emotions are full and I know I am a fool... I'll never know. I did comprehend but I never seek to understand and I never learned... If things are not for me then why do they keep coming back... If they could just be gone then allow them to do so... I am afraid... Yes, I am... I am again at the edge of a cliff holding on a breakable vine... I have to rise up before I fell once more. I have to do good... I have to be responsible... I have to command myself... I have to be mature... But I am afraid... Afraid of anything that might hit my face on the way... Should I succeed this time or once more, break myself into pieces?

I may never be able to pick the pieces once more... So please don't let me be alone... Compromise with me... Stand by me... And I'll be ok...

Sane Madness

I am groping
at the end of my sane madness,
cherished with chilly thoughts,
and cuddled by ugly toddlers.

No one could ever comprehend
why the sea suddenly stops from flowing;
and then I found myself frowning,
struggling back to an ever after.

I deter myself for having betrayed,
what I know and used to know,
and what is amidst my pounding heart,
beating solely for truth,
and for what I really wanted.

I am mingling
right accross for a past
come and gone to the velvet sheets
of a night of folly and the stony bread,
broken and forsaken.

I stay untited yet untied
with what cuts accross,
with what leaps vast horizons
towards the deep legacy of becoming.

I beg you
not to forsake me,
not to forget me
'coz everything seems to do so...

Trust me,
and I'll hold on to what I promised;
deep within my sane madness,
I'll be hopefully waiting.

Of a Dozen Culprit and a Time of Gold

I would have known better
if only they have asked,
and yet I tell myself,
I'm just someone
to be knocked out.

And yet to be blamed
when all things around me
seem to fail down to its dregs,
I stand alone amidst a dozen woes
made by each culprit,
of time well spent,
of seconds made gold.

Seems I care not at all,
though tears do easily fall;
I'd rather knock to the goblin's door
'til I finally meet the final floor.

Got no time to be back
and start to where
the whole world wanted;
And I, left behind...
With only I, me and all the woes I had.

Bitter to where I should start
and living a life left by the untouched.
This is all I have,
and this is all, they say,
I deserve.

Should I if I Should?

Oftentimes I'm distressed whenever people try to determine what I ought to be. Many times would people say that I should do this and I should be like that without even considering what I think and what I feel about myself and the thing that they are referring to and wanting me to be...

Out of the depths,
I grasp for freedom;
Roaring like a lion,
And Searching...

Searching for a truth
That must be part of me...

Not of those who say what I should be;
Not of those who say what I must be.

But Should I be what they say I should be?

I guess not...

I feel not...

I hope not!

I am my own being,
Subjected only
To the foremost of my kind.

And no one else.