Assassinating the Knight in Me

In times that I feel the surge of melancholy, I try to compare my life to the persons and things around me. I would always have this intoxicating idea that even the life of a stray cat is better than mine. But what makes it more puzzling is the fact that there are also times that I see myself living a life better than anyone else. The fluctuation of how I look at life as it is is apparently reaching the depths of my personality. It is something that embodies a man honed like a knight but in his turn, tries all his best to resist other people’s imposition proving that he is the master of his own existence.
Then I consider the life of a leaf. It sprouts from a stalk of a tree. From there, it is expected to be something like any other all the other leaves of the same tree. Same is true in my life. People around me always want me to be someone that I am really not.
I grew up in a family where expectations storm my everyday existence. I have always believed that my parents expect me to conduct myself properly whether I am in public or not. One may even say that I almost surpassed a military training when I was that even my haircut can be a violation and a form of disrespect.
Alas, I am honed in the way everybody expected me to be: a kind, responsible, intelligent and modest young man. I have assumed the post of a knight trying to make sense of a purpose dictated by the commanders around me. In that fashion had I built a thousand expectations of myself. It feels like I am always spelling my name in small letters because they told me to do so.
It was already in my early college years when I felt that something was indeed lacking. I suddenly reckoned that I was there blindly letting myself to be carried by the script written by another when in fact, I can alwaysdo it for myself.
Right now, I am gathering my strength by holding on to a single expectation of myself: that whatever happens, only the ‘me,’ ‘myself’ and ‘I’ will be responsible to the life I have chosen to live. Sometimes, I would have to leave my armor behind and be vulnerable to any danger brought about by the battle called life. If it is reality, then the only possible future is winning.