Just Got Blinded

If God held all truth in his closed right hand and in his left hand only the ever-active drive to seek truth, even under the condition that I would ever and always go astray in the search, and he said to me: “Choose!” I would humbly fall before his left hand and say: “Father, give! The pure truth is reserved for you alone.” (Lessing, 8:33)
Purpose, deliberately made or not, is an inevitable part of our daily existence. It is something that we are as if condemned to determine in order to be acceptable in the eyes of the society, of our family and even us in relation to ourselves. There were times that we have to decide to have a sense of purpose not out of a rationally inclined pursuit but because we just have three or four levels of wanting and guts to do so. Unexplainable as it may seem, whether we enjoy them or not, consequences consumes the totality of the purpose we have either believed or determined ourselves to have. And most of the time, our long time believed purpose draws back into the least spaces of our lives in realizing that the purpose we have determined ourselves to have is not really what we wanted to be.
I don’t really know why the hell I am living in this hollow planet and much less would I consider writing this paper to be a plus on my quest to regaining a once lost purpose. Maybe, I’m just trained to always submit school works. All I know is I’m on the process of attaining my own truth and the rest might have been an entire literary caprice.
It was not long ago when the only possibility I considered myself to be into in the future is to be a priest. I have stayed four long years in the seminary aiming at that collinear vision of me speaking inside the Church preaching what I have then believed to be the truth. That was my purpose, I believed; that was my own truth. But I was blinded. I remained closed to other possibilities for my life and to explore new avenues wherein which I can be more mature. I have established my own dogma to place myself within a frame not knowing that in the end, my wings will lead me in flight to elsewhere.
Rest assured, the parameter I have set has been the barrier to my own growth and in the game of maturity, I have become stunted. When my own fence has started to choke me, I have realized that it’s not really meant for me. At first I was hesitant to assume a life seeing no vision of me in the end. It’s a waste I thought and I’d rather go back to where I see myself in an order. But I have realized that there is a beauty of wonder in always wanting to explore new areas of myself, of new possibilities and of new fields for growth, of a fragmented and vague purpose. I don’t really need a particular purpose because my purpose is to look for it in every situation I am into, may it be hard or not. After all, freeing me to an illusion of truth is more rewarding than remaining in an imposed area of my life.
Life is not really a progressing line. Most of the time, truths about ourselves are in fragments, of which, the goal to self-enrichment is approached while we are in the process, not when we have believed that the truth is already with us because it will just make us haughty, proud and indolent in searching for the real one.
I am still lingering around in a world of pretensions and I guess, right now, it’s better to have the truth fragmented in all situations than assuming that I have it while truth counts that I don’t have it at all. Well at least, at a particular time in my life (and it has been years since I had the realization) I have exposed myself in the idea of being free from the restraint of a parallel vision of what I should become.