Love Forbidden

Time alone can tell how I considered myself in the long run to be the loser in a race I can never ever win. I might have forgotten that something may always end up into nothingness. I am a lover who doesn't really know how to be loved by the other. Hence, I remain tranced by the fact that I could never be the perfect guy for such a wonderful person. Sometimes, I do tell myself to stop and continue living an avant garde life, something that might be mechanistic, something that has all the while, left me drowned in the possibility of a very individualistic life. I stand above my head in that type of life. I left my heart to be eaten by the dogs. I'm lifeless. But now, I have tried to make sense of everything but neither the world nor God seems to understand. I am a slave of my own fate. If I could only change the fact that I don't even know how to cope up now. I suddenly felt that my heart has been shattered into pieces not anymore by dogs who consume my energy upto the last dregs but by a situation that I am not even sure if it's wrong or not. I made myself ask questions that might take forever to be answered. I have grasped the end of my stength by still hold on to mere fragmented potentials. If it could only be right... If it could only be the best... If it could only be the life I must live and the love I must behold... Why not?

But now, I am not even sure of anything. With friends slowly turning their back away, I felt like a prince being turned back in a frog stature rather than having the story the other way around.

Before, I have this self-concept that I am the best but lately I have seen how small I really am. I'm not putting myself down. I can never do that because I always brag about my accomplishments. But I really cannot help myself feeling so. Even if I forbid myself to live a life of the desolate lowly lover, I can never help it. It's there and I suppose it will remain there until the time I will have all the guts to ask for its departure.

I live...

I love....

I forbid.....